If we could control events, most of us would never want our elders to be so sick that they need the care of a nursing home, especially homes that are still operating in the dark ages, as some of them still are. Many homes have now moved forward into person-centered care, and reluctant caregivers often find their elders thrive, once they have adjusted. Still, it’s hard.

For many caregivers, placing an elder in a home spells failure on the part of the caregiver. Even when carers know they’ve done all they can, a subconscious nagging voice often tells them they are giving up on their parents or spouse. I’m here to tell you that you are not giving up. You are just getting help.

Often There Is No Real Choice

I cared for multiple elders, juggling their needs along with those of young children of my own. Those were some pretty crazy times. I felt driven to give each person the best care humanly possible. To do so meant that many of my elders lived their last months or years in a nursing home.

We were fortunate. There was an excellent home, by the standards of the time, near my house. I could run from my house to my mom’s apartment, to my mother-in-law’s condominium, to the nursing home and back and still pick up my kids from school. It was tough, but it worked.

Were my elders always thrilled about being in a nursing home? No. However, they did benefit in many ways, and frankly there was no alternative choice. I’m simply grateful we had a fine facility so close by, one where I didn’t have to fight to be part of the care team.

Many people who comment on OurAlzheimers find that their own efforts are no longer enough for their elder’s needs. In-home care agencies can’t do it all either. Elders needs generally keep growing as the elder becomes more disabled from Alzheimer’s, stroke or other illnesses. When I read notes from caregivers, I feel the guilt of the writer bleed through their words. I get their pain and general feeling of helplessness.

We’ve recently seen one woman, who is very active in the OurAlzheimer’s community, go through the full process. Each decision was agonizing. After trying everything imaginable, her father-in-law was placed in a nursing home. It’s turned out that he is now happier than he’s been for quite some time. The family is amazed. Who could have guessed?

What If the Results Aren’t So Positive?

Nearly everyone who enters a nursing home to live goes through a period of adjustment. Why wouldn’t they? They’ve had to leave their home, or at least their most recent one. They’ve had to weed out belongings, or their family has had to do so, to get things down to fit in one little room, or even a shared room. In the process, cherished items are lost. They’ve lost, or feel they’ve lost, independence. They’ve been losing friends to illness and death. And now this. An “old folk’s home.” Yes, they need time to adjust. Anyone would.

Some never do. Does that make you, the caregiver, a bad person? No, it doesn’t. Often, by the time a person does go to a nursing home, there is little quality of life left. Some people feel they have some control if they can complain and get a reaction. Some are just miserable and need sympathy. You, the caregiver, will do all you can to alleviate the pain, but you can’t make everything all right.

Source: http://www.healthcentral.com/alzheimers/c/62/118673/guilt-placing